10 Oct What I Learned In Boating School Is…
Photography: Janelle (JNelly Photography)
Lord have mercy on my emotions as I write this post…
I celebrated my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY with my amazing husband and best friend on October 7th! I didn’t think I’d be this excited about being married and celebrating our first year because we have been together for six years but… I am super giddy and excited! My husband has been in my life since I was 14 years old. I friend-zoned him so horribly in high school. He wasn’t my type: he was too skinny, too light-skinned, too much of a man whore, too much in the spotlight, too friendly, too flirty, too sexually aggressive, and he had acne and horrible allergies… Yes I was PETTY with my standards in high school. I had an idea of what I wanted my man to look like and my husband didn’t fit the profile! Plus I was so hung up on my ‘perfect ex’ that if a guy wasn’t him, close to him, or kinda him it wasn’t happening. My husband was so far from my type that the more he tried to be my type the more disgusted I was with him in general. BUT GOD… Our senior year was a turning point for our closet affair**…
**Closet Affair: an undefined relationship behind closed doors. Sex wasn’t involved, just kissing, lots of emotions, and secrecy. Yes… I was my husband’s ‘rebound’ after, and sometimes during, all of his relationships in high school… Don’t judge… I enjoyed the attention and he enjoyed gloating about how on lock he had me *insert emoji rolling eyes*
My husband and I were INSEPERABLE during the summer of our senior year. We saw each other every single day and spent so much time together. We spent time learning each other, exploring sex (I was a virgin-saving my cookies for my husband), recording music each and every day, and just living life! We attended the same college and still up to that point we weren’t in a relationship. Through college, I endured deep hurts, embarrassment, humiliation and illnesses that would later play a MAJOR role in my future with my then ‘sex buddy’ and now husband. My husband damaged me emotionally very early on in our dating term and our relationship. We lived in a dysfunctional relationship for years and continued the trend of unhealthy hurt, arguments, fights, and reliving the past for many years, even after the birth of our son. My husband operated out of guilt and I had no problem accepting his actions because I was hurting each and everyday. I was unconsciously making him pay for what he did in the past and I didn’t understand how emotionally unstable I was until we moved in together.
Our arguments became physical with me being the aggressor and initiating the physical behaviors. I never in my life had the courage to put my hands on a man or woman but I was so angry with my husband for the things that he did that I had no problem fighting him. We have endured injuries, broken walls, and had an extremely volatile relationship that nobody truly understood or knew about. I had this bottled up hurt that was just so unstable that it caused me lash out verbally and physically. Now, don’t get it twisted… My husband is a calm man, yes, but he yoked my tail up each and every time I put my hands on him. He wasn’t someone that was easily angered but when he got there… It was extremely scary and extremely difficult to calm him down. We struggled with that for so long. Between being financially drained, emotionally drained, and feeling lonely, I was truly in an unstable place. I finally sat down with my husband and we talked for HOURS. I told him how I felt and for the first time in years he apologized to me for everything that he did to me in the past. That apology changed my life. It was a burden lifted off of my shoulders and a weight that my heart had been carrying for years. He damaged me so horribly and my heart was in limbo because I loved him and on the other hand I hated him and wanted to hurt him how he hurt me.
My lifestyle was extremely unstable and I was getting drained over and over again by my own thoughts and emotions. After years of being in emotional limbo, my husband and I were at a healthy point. We were able to laugh again and enjoy each other. We hadn’t fought in a while and things were looking very futuristic. After a while of calmer emotions and constant communication, my husband started acting more interested in our future… Now, if you know my husband you’d know that this booger doesn’t think about anybody but himself, his music, his graphics and our son (the apple of his eye). I just thought he was being nice because our anniversary was coming up. Well… little did I know he was going to propose…
My mother-in-law came and got our son for the weekend, my mom took me to get my nails and toes done, and I was given some cash to go buy an outfit. Mind you we were broke as I don’t know what, in and out of food pantries, on government assistance for daycare, and two minutes from getting evicted. Welp… that didn’t stop my husband from making me his wife. This man drove me to some building in Sandy Springs and I literally was in panic mode. The last two times my husband took me somewhere, I thought he was trying to kill me. The first time I went to his house, late at night, we drove through the woods with no street lights… Scary instance #2 was my 21st birthday. He told me to pack my bags and get in the car. I did what he said and we ended up at the airport… Now when we ended up WALKING through trees away from civilization I had a panic attack and screamed at him! I told him that I didn’t want to go any further and I was convinced that he was trying to kill me. I apologized and told him that I was sorry for whatever I did but it wasn’t worth killing me over. Yes… I was reasoning with him because I was super scared! We reached an open area and all of a sudden we stopped, he started talking and the first thing he said was “Baby, I’m stupid, I’m a fool…” I TELL YOU WHAT I DID… I cried like a little baby yes I did! Here is why…
The day before, we watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 and the parents, Maria and Gus, were going through a rough time because he found out that the pastor never signed their wedding certificate. That meant that they were never married. Maria wanted another wedding and for her husband, Gus, to ask her properly for her hand in marriage. He proposed and his proposal was so super amazing. I told my husband that I wanted him to propose to me just like that. I wanted him to say “Baby I’m stupid, I’m a fool”… and THAT is why I cried my little heart out.
From there we went to DePalma’s and then to a movie at Atlantic Station. I was so on Cloud 9 it was crazy. And YES when we got home I gave him the BUSINESS you hear me! Chile I was so happy and so high on love. Life kicked back in and we were back to dealing with being broke, almost evicted and with no plan. Well… we were now planning a wedding in the midst of all of that. We started planning, venue searching, and things started to add up. My mom was paying for the wedding and it started to exceed the amount she was giving us. Long story short, we got married 5 months later in an extremely downsized wedding, in the middle of a hurricane. The wedding costs no more than $200 and we got evicted the week of our wedding. Oh and I had court the day before and almost got arrested on the spot (traffic citations). We spent time planning a wedding and figuring out where we were going to go after the wedding. We ended up at my in-laws house for a while and transitioned to my mom’s house. Our relationship has grown so much stronger through everything that we have been through.
What I’ve Learned in my 1st year of Marriage:
- Trust my husband
- Allow my husband to make the choices for our family (still learning but not as bad as it was)
- Stepping down from being the ‘man of the house’ (I’m extremely independent and very self-sufficient but I’m still learning this)
- How to communicate
- How to accept love
- Compromising sexually (I am not a sex lover AT ALL but sex is important in marriage)
- How to rely on my husband financially
- Establish boundaries with our families (still working on this… My family is CLOSE and we tell each other everything but in marriage that’s not always ok. Somethings are sacred)
- Relying on each other emotionally
- My husband’s dedication to his family and his wife
- How damaged I was emotionally and how much I needed to let God heal me
- How much of a role God played in our marriage
- Depending on God
My Advice on Marriage:
Take time out to date each other and learn each other. This is especially important for couples that dated for a while before marriage. My husband and I are extremely close because we have taken time out to know each other day-by-day. We are FAR from perfection but we love each other and there is no denying it. We have been joined at the hip (emotionally) since high school. Our bond has only gotten stronger. You’ve got to invest time into your marriage and understand that it won’t happen over night or in year one, two, and maybe not even in year three. Forever love takes time, it takes patience, communication, SEX and dating time. My husband and I try to date each other at least once a month. We try to plan a day, kid-free, argument-free, and stress-free. Dating for us is fun because we used to travel and go out together all the time. Now, we spend time working at our corporate jobs, being parents, and working our own businesses. We steal late night moments to watch TV and laugh about stupid things from high school. We gossip about what we saw on Facebook and just play dumb games getting to know each other. We talk about our businesses, future plans, and our dreams. We just WORK together and we trust each other. Again we are NOT perfect by any stretch of the imagination but he gets me and I get him. Take time to ‘get’ each other. DATE, DATE DATE! Dating in marriage is fun. Best part is, you won’t feel awkward for sleeping with him after the ‘first date’ because you’re MARRIED!
Happy Anniversary Babe! I love you and your genetic makeup, I love the way you love me so forgivingly and so naturally, I love the way you love our son, and I love the way you love your passions. I love how you stick by me even when it means you have to be the middle man. I love how selflessly you allow me to sleep while you play with Chayden. I love how you stop what you’re doing to help me with another crazy idea. I love how you love my body and how you encourage me to be healthy and happy. I love how you support me in my races even though they are early and you hate waking up. I love how you stare at me and smile while I’m driving or sitting next to you. I love how you make me feel like I am the most beautiful woman you have ever seen even when I feel like a fat cow. I love how you never stop trying to be the best husband you can be even when I’m being a nagging dickhead and complaining about God knows what. I love you for everything that you were in my past because it made me a better woman. I love you for everything that you are now because it is making me appreciate you more. I love you for everything you will be because it is making me giddy for that check that I am about to be spending at Steve Madden (HA). I love you Bubby! Here’s to many more crazy, loving years filled with more kids, great food, bigger dreams and amazing sex!